Something I have been too furious to think about lately, let alone blog about, is court. We went back to court on February 8, in an effort to settle the divorce and the custody issue over Jellybean. Again, W. showed up completely unprepared. The drug and alcohol evaluation that was supposed to be completed in January, was not taken by him until the morning of our court date. Really? I mean, really, I don't understand how that is even remotely okay. Way to wait until the last minute. And why--oh, why!--would anyone want to wait until the last minute to prove that they are not on drugs...? Hmmm :-/
So everything was postponed. Again. Ugh!
Last week, I received a letter from my lawyer regarding the results of his drug and alcohol evaluation. Of course, he passed. (Why wouldn't he have? He had from January--when he was supposed to have taken the evaluation--until February to get clean.) What fuels my frustration further, are the lies that he provided the instructor of the evaluation. These lies lead my lawyer to believe that the best thing we can do at this point is prepare for W. to receive Schedule A. (In Ohio, Schedule A is where the noncustodial parent receives every-other weekend unsupervised, overnight visitation.)
I have found that sometimes your lawyer needs to be reminded of the situation at hand. I understand that she sees hundreds of cases a year and after a while they may all begin to run together. I am sure that she just wants to get this case over with at this point, as do I. But I know that what I am fighting for is right and I will not back down.
I gathered up my journal information, and wrote the following letter to my lawyer:
"Dear LawyerLady,
I received a letter from you enclosed with the full report from W.'s drug and alcohol evaluation. The report stated that W. did not begin drinking until the age of 21. It also stated that he used to smoke marijuana, but has not used since 2009. It was your advice that the court will probably try to move us into Schedule A based upon this information. As I'm sure you have encountered situations like this before, it is not difficult to lie to someone about your drug/alcohol use. It is my argument that Will was not being truthful in these statements.
I have attached my journal, in which I have gone through and highlighted all of the dates in which I have already stated that W. came to visit with Jellybean while he was under the influence of marijuana or alcohol, or admitted that he needs to go to rehab to clean up. I have also highlighted a couple of dates during which he was drinking at our home with his friends, before he turned 21. This may prove that the information he provided the agency who performed the drug and alcohol information was false.
The report from the evaluation also stated that W. has been employed with {Auto Shop} for two years. This is also untrue. At the beginning of 2009, W. was employed with {Automall} in C.City. That summer, he was hired by {Towing Company} in N. Village. By the time our daughter was born in October 2009, he was already employed by {Muffler Shop} in A. City. He was at {Muffler Shop} for quite a while, but went through spurts of getting into fights with his manager and quitting then going back. I would have to assume that he has a lengthy employee file at {Muffler Shop}. Sometime in 2010 he began working at {Auto Shop} in A. City. Again, he went through spurts of getting into fights with managers and coworkers, quitting, getting fired, etc. In October 2010, he was fired from {Auto Shop} and to the best of my knowledge, began working at {Muffler Shop} again under a new manager. In December 2010, your office informed me that he was no longer employed with {Muffler Shop}. When he appeared in court in February, he was once again working for {Auto Shop}. If we can subpoena these places of employment and at least see his start/end dates for these various jobs, we should be able to prove that he was being untruthful in his evaluation.
The information you will find in my attached journal makes it pretty obvious, as you have stated before, that W. has a record of mental instability. The reason there is less and less evidence of this instability as time goes on, is that I have cut off all but necessary contact with him since October.
If, after reviewing this information, you still think that the court will find Schedule A in his favor, then you are right that we should get an agreement ready so that we are not unprepared. I would like us to make it clear to the courts that we are not trying to rip W. out of Jellybean's life. I definitely think that she should be able to see her father, and if anyone will take the time to read my journal, they will clearly see that I had been fighting tooth and nail to get him to pay some attention to our daughter during her first year of life, to no avail. However, Will has always been violent and unstable, and I am truly scared of what could happen to her when I am not there to protect her. She is my life, and I'm sure you understand that I just want her safe.
In addition, I would like to ask--wasn't he supposed to have that drug and alcohol evaluation completed before the end of January, via court order? And regarding the parenting class that he is trying to get out of, am I correct in assuming that it is the same class that I have already completed? It was my understanding that these things were supposed to be taken care of in a timely matter, but he seems to be able to get away with taking them whenever he damn well pleases. I am a little frustrated that I busted my ass to make sure that I comply with everything the court asks of me, but he can take his good old time and still be given chance after chance. I am, as I'm sure you are, completely furious that he didn't take his drug and alcohol evaluation until the morning of our court date. I think we all know why someone would wait until the last minute to pee in a cup.
Thank you so much for all of the time and attention you have paid to this matter. I really appreciate what you are doing for me and my daughter.
Amie (Blanketyblanklastname)"
I feel so awesome for being able to pull that information together, I think I should have been a lawyer. What is saving my ass right now--the detailed journal I have been keeping since W. and I were still together in July. I encourage anyone who is in any sort of a sticky situation to journal your ass off! Because at the end of the day, it's his "uhhh I don't remember" against your detailed desription of events. And that, my friends, is your #1 tool in a custody battle.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Freak Show!
I haven't written much about my relationship with Ant, other than when he was there for us during my daughter's hospital stay. I tend to keep things like this to myself until I am sure everything is working out. And it is :)
He is amazing. He is a great dad to his two sons, Ace, who is almost three, and Dango, who is almost two. The boys are ten months apart. Almost physically impossible, but Ant pulled it off. Since his ex, Ed (E.D. stands for egg donor) is about as useful of a parent as W., we both have our children with us almost all of the time. Which means that now that we are living together together, we have three children under the age of three. Together. At the same time. Every day. It is definitely... interesting.
When you have a toddler, just one, even the simplest things can be challenging. Going to the grocery store, walking through town, or just visiting friends--when people see your toddler acting like a toddler they smile to themselves and think, Wow they really have their hands full! Try to accomplish the same tasks with two toddlers and people will tell you, "I just don't know how you do it!" But add a third toddler into that display and you become a walking freak show.
Birth control is crucial at this point in our relationship because a fourth toddler would mean we are barely even people anymore. If I happen to get pregnant, we may as well sign an agreement with TLC and call it a day.
Ace, Jellybean, and Dango - 2011
He is amazing. He is a great dad to his two sons, Ace, who is almost three, and Dango, who is almost two. The boys are ten months apart. Almost physically impossible, but Ant pulled it off. Since his ex, Ed (E.D. stands for egg donor) is about as useful of a parent as W., we both have our children with us almost all of the time. Which means that now that we are living together together, we have three children under the age of three. Together. At the same time. Every day. It is definitely... interesting.
When you have a toddler, just one, even the simplest things can be challenging. Going to the grocery store, walking through town, or just visiting friends--when people see your toddler acting like a toddler they smile to themselves and think, Wow they really have their hands full! Try to accomplish the same tasks with two toddlers and people will tell you, "I just don't know how you do it!" But add a third toddler into that display and you become a walking freak show.
Birth control is crucial at this point in our relationship because a fourth toddler would mean we are barely even people anymore. If I happen to get pregnant, we may as well sign an agreement with TLC and call it a day.
Ace, Jellybean, and Dango - 2011
The Last Month In A Nutshell
So basically, the last month of my life has been:
- Work.
- Making sure Jellybean attends every supervised visitation with W.
- Building an amazing relationship with Ant, a friend of mine from high school who has grown into an amazing man with two awesome little boys.
- Building a step-motherly relationship with those two little boys, Ace and Dango.
- Finding a home for my lazy-eyed beagle. Between raising a toddler by myself and working full time, I couldn't provide much for him. He now lives with a shop-owner who takes him to work every day and gets all kinds of love and affection. :)
- Moving in with Ant! Which means we are living--with our three toddlers!--in my tiny apartment. Luckily, my apartment had a spare living room downstairs, so Ant and I are using that as a bedroom and the boys have my old bedroom.
- Preparing for court. When we went back in February, we found that W. was unprepared so we had to postpone... again.
- Finding healthy ways to deal with stress. My latest therapy? Vacuuming. I seriously love to run the vacuum cleaner. It zens me out.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Momma Ink
I haven't been on lately. With court issues and single parenthood, I've fallen into a rut. We go to court for more custody issues on the 8th, so after that I will hopefully be posting again regularly. In the meantime, I have this:
Monday, January 3, 2011
Moments Not Forgotten: A Memory And A Snapshot
There are so many moments that I try so hard to hold on to, but as time fades away, the memories become more faint.
This is one of my favorite pictures. It was taken on my cell phone, which has a way of distorting things (like Jellybean's head) so that they don't appear to be the correct size in proportion to the rest of the picture. (In fact, when I texted this picture out to friends and family they all commented on how big she was--but she was actually a fairly small baby.) The resolution is crappy. But this shot remains a favorite. It was taken when I first brought Jellybean home from the hospital.
Right before this picture was taken, my mom attempted to hold her for just a minute so that I could get something to eat. Jellybean cried her little newborn eyes out until my mom handed her back to me. The moment she was back in my arms, the crying stopped. That was the most wonderful feeling in the world. She wanted me. For once, I was the one with the magic touch. My baby. Breathtaking.
As I write this, I realize how easily I have forgotten that feeling. Sometimes when she is whining for me and I can't so much as go to the bathroom by myself, I get frustrated. Just a minute alone, please! I have taken that feeling for granted--being the momma. Being the one who can always make it better. How could I so easily lose sight of just how lucky I am?
I seem to find myself fighting for space now, not realizing how much it will totally suck when I get that space that I've been craving. One of these days she is going to be thirteen and will be too old to be held. She will turn sixteen and spending time with me won't be her favorite thing in the whole world. She will turn twenty and then twenty-five and she will marry some guy and I won't even be her go-to person anymore. And all I will have is the memory and this snapshot.
This is one of my favorite pictures. It was taken on my cell phone, which has a way of distorting things (like Jellybean's head) so that they don't appear to be the correct size in proportion to the rest of the picture. (In fact, when I texted this picture out to friends and family they all commented on how big she was--but she was actually a fairly small baby.) The resolution is crappy. But this shot remains a favorite. It was taken when I first brought Jellybean home from the hospital.
Right before this picture was taken, my mom attempted to hold her for just a minute so that I could get something to eat. Jellybean cried her little newborn eyes out until my mom handed her back to me. The moment she was back in my arms, the crying stopped. That was the most wonderful feeling in the world. She wanted me. For once, I was the one with the magic touch. My baby. Breathtaking.
As I write this, I realize how easily I have forgotten that feeling. Sometimes when she is whining for me and I can't so much as go to the bathroom by myself, I get frustrated. Just a minute alone, please! I have taken that feeling for granted--being the momma. Being the one who can always make it better. How could I so easily lose sight of just how lucky I am?
I seem to find myself fighting for space now, not realizing how much it will totally suck when I get that space that I've been craving. One of these days she is going to be thirteen and will be too old to be held. She will turn sixteen and spending time with me won't be her favorite thing in the whole world. She will turn twenty and then twenty-five and she will marry some guy and I won't even be her go-to person anymore. And all I will have is the memory and this snapshot.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Fighting A Case of The Whiny's
I am currently engaged in an epic battle with a case of The Whiny's.
I realize that Jellybean does not possess the verbal skills that most children her age do. This is a result of the ear infection that she had for so long, hindering her ability to hear and therefore repeat words. And although she has recently used words like "pup" (up), I don't think she is yet capable of accessing those words on command. When she wants picked up right now and emotions are running high, she doesn't always remember the word she wants to use. Or maybe she can't even remember that there is a word to describe what she wants. So her solution is to toddle around the house, whining nonstop.
Sometimes I understand what it is that she wants. When she is whining at my feet with her arms up in the air, I know that she wants picked up. When she is whining and tugging on her shoe, I know that she wants her shoes off. But understanding is only half the battle. If I give her what she is whining for, isn't that just reinforcing the negative behavior? It's true that there are times when I cannot give in to her whiny wants/needs because I am in the middle of cooking dinner or cleaning up a mess; but there are also times when I simply refuse to give in because I know that giving in to the whining means there will only be more whining in the long run.
Even now, it might be too late...
The whining has become a habit. Now I wonder if I should have been giving her exactly what she wanted before the whine ever grazed her throat. That way, the whine would have never come. And if the whine had never come, then it couldn't be a habit. A daily, hourly, sometimes minute-ly (Yes, the whining has gotten so bad I had to make up a word for it!) habit. I just don't know if I can handle one more "WAH" without flushing my head down the toilet.
I'm all ears for any advice. Please. Oh God, please.
I realize that Jellybean does not possess the verbal skills that most children her age do. This is a result of the ear infection that she had for so long, hindering her ability to hear and therefore repeat words. And although she has recently used words like "pup" (up), I don't think she is yet capable of accessing those words on command. When she wants picked up right now and emotions are running high, she doesn't always remember the word she wants to use. Or maybe she can't even remember that there is a word to describe what she wants. So her solution is to toddle around the house, whining nonstop.
Sometimes I understand what it is that she wants. When she is whining at my feet with her arms up in the air, I know that she wants picked up. When she is whining and tugging on her shoe, I know that she wants her shoes off. But understanding is only half the battle. If I give her what she is whining for, isn't that just reinforcing the negative behavior? It's true that there are times when I cannot give in to her whiny wants/needs because I am in the middle of cooking dinner or cleaning up a mess; but there are also times when I simply refuse to give in because I know that giving in to the whining means there will only be more whining in the long run.
Even now, it might be too late...
The whining has become a habit. Now I wonder if I should have been giving her exactly what she wanted before the whine ever grazed her throat. That way, the whine would have never come. And if the whine had never come, then it couldn't be a habit. A daily, hourly, sometimes minute-ly (Yes, the whining has gotten so bad I had to make up a word for it!) habit. I just don't know if I can handle one more "WAH" without flushing my head down the toilet.
I'm all ears for any advice. Please. Oh God, please.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Happy Freaking Holidays!
We have officially made it through a major holiday weekend with NO trips to the ER!
W. and I took Jellybean to the ER on Independence Day for an ear infection. I took her again the evening of her birthday party (after the party) for a skin rash that was spreading quickly. And, most recently, we spent Thanksgiving in the hospital.
So, to make it through this entire weekend without any hospitals, doctors, or issues whatsoever, is a merry freaking Christmas to me!
W. and I took Jellybean to the ER on Independence Day for an ear infection. I took her again the evening of her birthday party (after the party) for a skin rash that was spreading quickly. And, most recently, we spent Thanksgiving in the hospital.
So, to make it through this entire weekend without any hospitals, doctors, or issues whatsoever, is a merry freaking Christmas to me!
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