Custody and Visitation Dispute: It's SO Over!

Tuesday was our final trial.  No seriously, it's actually over this time.

As I presumed, W. was a no-show.  The courts ordered that he is permitted supervised visitation after her jumps through a number of hoops, including paying off his portion of the fees to the guardian ad litem, submit to a hair follicle drug test and coming back to court or mediation to set up an official visitation schedule.  Even after all of those steps, W. will only be receiving supervised visitation with Jellybean as the court ordered.  And if he didn't care enough to jump through those (same exact) hoops while we were in the middle of the court case, I just don't see him starting all over anytime soon. 

Dealing With A Bi-Polar Ex: FML

Someone please shoot me.  Just shoot me in the face and get it all over with now.

Today, just three weeks after terminating the visitation schedule and failing to show up to our pretrial, W. sent me the following text message.  (Yes, this is how he actually types.  I'm pretty sure he may be mentally challenged.)

"Hey amie its w. This is my new number. If its 0k with u maybe u w00d let babysitter watch me c jellybean. it w00d mean l0t t0 me. If n0t i understand."

~

Dear W.

Please, for the love of God, make up your f*****g mind.  If you are going to attempt to be something more than a sperm-donor, that would be just fabulous for Jellybean.  However, you will have to excuse me if I don't believe you, as you have made this "attempt" about 67 times in the past year.  Just sayin'.

If you are going to realize that you are a worthless piece of s**t and back out, that would be equally fabulous for Jellybean.  I am assuming that it would be more emotionally and mentally beneficial for her to never see you at all rather than have you pop in and out of her life randomly, loving her for a day or two and then disappearing for weeks at a time.  And if you choose to back out all together, this would be a prime opportunity to do so, as she currently has no idea who you are.  When shown photos, she just looks confused and asks if the picture is of her uncle.  Don't be offended, it's nothing personal.  It's just that you've been pretty useless throughout her entire life and, well, she doesn't know any better.

Oh, and since you failed to show up for court or basically do anything that you were supposed to, I am forced to spend even more money on this ordeal.  You know, money that could go towards providing for our my daughter. (That little girl that I was always nagging you about raising and whatnot.)  So if you could pull your head out of your a** long enough to get everything taken care of, that would be just phenomenal.

Please accept my most sincere congratulations on getting what you've always wanted: me off your back and Jellybean off your lap.  I sure hope you are enjoying yourself.  And if you are interested in any sound advice, and I'd say that by now it is fairly obvious that you aren't, I highly recommend that you take this opportunity and run.  We wouldn't want anymore unwanted responsibility and all that baby-raising bulls*** to interfere with your drinking and drugging.

Once again, congratulations on your glamorous new life.  Hope it was worth it.

With All My Respect,
Amie

How To Impress The Guardian Ad Litem Part VI: Do What They Say!

At our last court date, I finally received the report from the guardian ad litem that I'd been so patiently awaiting.  If you read my last post, then you are already aware that W. failed to show up to the pretrial.  If you've read anything on this blog before, then you aren't surprised.

Apparently, showing up for court isn't the only thing that W. hasn't been doing.  According to the report from the guardian, W. never paid the $250 retainer, returned her phone calls, accepted the documents she mailed to him or completed the court-ordered hair follicle test.  What he did manage to do is set up a meeting with the guardian ad litem (to which he never showed up at all), then later completely terminate his visitation schedule with Jellybean, telling the guardian that he is done with the whole ordeal.

Although the reports from Safe House stated that W. appeared to be responsible and reliable during his visits there, the guardian ad litem stated in her report that she could not recommend unsupervised visitation at this time.  Let's face it, throughout the time that we have been in the court system (just since October) W. has had resided at three different addresses, bounced back and forth with two different employers, and went an extended period of time without a reliable phone number.  He has also bounced back and forth--on record--between wanting to be a part of Jellybean's life and backing out all together.  If this doesn't scream UNSTABLE, then I don't know what does. 

This report is a vital piece of information--not only to our case, but to the judgemental eyes that have been watching over my shoulder.  Yes, even though I'm the reliable parent who is looking out for my child, I have still received some pretty harsh judgement..  It's only natural, I suppose.  Friends and relatives of W. wouldn't want to admit that it is their guy who screwed up.  So they deem me a wicked baby-hoarder, using my child as a tool to punish my poor, innocent ex who just wants to love his family, dammit! 

Truthfully, it really wouldn't matter if I were a wicked baby-hoarder, using my child as a tool and such.  The court system isn't going to throw out a good parent.  Or even a half-ass parent who may be capable of keeping their child alive for a few hours.  His parental rights or lack thereof is in no way my decision.  All I can do, is present the evidence (See: this, this, THIS, this, and this.) and let the courts decide what is best according to the law. 

Your final tip in How To Impress The Guardian Ad Litem is to do whatever he/she says.  Easy enough for all of you parents who are worth half a lick.  For the rest of you, well, you probably don't care enough to be researching this kind of information, so likely aren't even here.  Best of luck to all of you who are looking out for your child(ren)!

SEE ALSO:
Introduction to How To Impress The Guardian Ad Litem
Part I: The Initial Meeting
Part II: Preparing For The Home Inspection
Part III: The Home Inspection & Parent/Child Interaction
Part IV: Consulting The Witnesses
Part V: Drug Testing

Custody & Visitation Dispute: When Your Baby Daddy Is A Piece Of You-Know-What

Of course, fighting for supervised visitation between your daughter and her father can be an easy fight when your baby daddy is as big of a mess as mine.  For a while there, he really had some people fooled.  He was attending his visits at Safe House pretty regularly, and almost always provided dinner during their visits.  But W. is a notorious screw-up, and those of us who know him well enough knew he would screw this up eventually.  As I had hoped, he screwed it up before he was granted unsupervised visitation.

At our last court date when our guardian ad litem was appointed, both W. and I were instructed to provide her with our current addresses and phone numbers, as well as $250 each.  The address which he provided the guardian was the address to his mom's house, instead of his sister's house where he was living just a couple of months ago.  The information she mailed to him was sent back to her office and deemed "refused."  W. was unable to provide her with a current phone number other than his work number, which she called multiple times and never received a call back. 

Eventually, she gave up on the information that he had provided her and asked me for any contact information that I may have had.  I gave her his old cell phone number as well as his sister's phone number.  I also took the time to express to her my concern that if W. were to have my baby girl for the weekend, how would I get a hold of him?  What if he needed to contact someone in the event of an emergency?  And where exactly would they be staying that night? 

The first Wednesday in May, I received a phone call from Safe House to inform me that W. had cancelled visitation for the day.  The following Wednesday, I received another phone call to notify me of W.'s cancellation.  Finally, I received yet another phone call the following week to inform me that our visitation schedule had been terminated.  Since everything was planned to be settled at our upcoming court date, there was no need to worry about rescheduling lost visitation time.

When I woke up the morning of our court date, I was pumped.  I thought, This is it!  This is the end!  No more court dates, no more wondering, no more drama!  This was to be the do-all-end-all of this battle.  Or at least it would have been... if W. had shown up. 

(C'mon... where's your surprised face?)

In a normal case with a judge, we would have been able to move forward without W.'s presence.  But this complicated situation becomes even more complicated because the judge that was assigned to our case retired last month and we were stuck with a magistrate.  Apparently, a magistrate would have been able to help us move forward but only with W. present. 

Don't feel bad if you're lost, because I'm right there with you.  This was as much as I was able to understand from what my lawyer explained to me and I'm pretty sure she was dumbing it down a bit.  All I really know now is that we have been assigned yet another court date (our fifth one for those of you keeping score) with a judge.  I have been told that we can move forward with or without W.'s presence.  However, at this point I am losing hope that this endeavor will ever actually end--this all very well could be a conspiracy in which W. has joined forces with my lawyer to ensure that I will be forever broke and in a constant state of wondering what the f*ck is going to happen.

How To Impress The Guardian Ad Litem Part V: Drug Testing

In a custody/visitation dispute, if one parent is accused of abusing illegal drugs, then both parents are required to be tested.  Since W.'s long-term drug use is one of my grounds for supervised visitation, the court system has ordered that we both submit to a 90-day hair follicle test. 

Drug testing is a real possibility in any case involving children.  To be frank, this part freakin' sucks.  I said goodbye to $60 and a small chunk of my hair, and I wasn't doing drugs in the first place! 

So Part V of How To Impress a Guardian Ad Litem: Drugs are bad.

SEE ALSO:
Introduction to How To Impress The Guardian Ad Litem
Part I: The Initial Meeting
Part II: Preparing For The Home Inspection
Part III: The Home Inspection & Parent/Child Interaction
Part IV: Consulting The Witnesses

UPDATE:
Part VI: Do What The Guardian Tells You

How To Impress The Guardian Ad Litem Part IV: Consulting The Witnesses

In Part I of this discussion, I pointed out that witnesses are an important piece to the puzzle.  Your guardian ad litem will probably request up to four witnesses who may be related to your case.  Do not skimp on this part, it is very important! 

I would advise you to not to list any family members as witnesses, unless they were present to witness a particular act of violence or something key to your case.  Otherwise, it would be best to compose a list of other people involved in your life, maybe babysitters, employers, neighbors and mutual acquaintances between you and your ex.  Make sure you ask each individual for their permission before submitting their information to the guardian.

The guardian ad litem sent letters to each of my witnesses to let them know that whatever they say is not confidential and will ultimately be shared with each party.  Sometimes people don't have the heart to tell you that they don't want to be involved--so instead of calling the witnesses, she gives them a no-pressure way to back out of the situation by asking them to contact her at their convenience.  She also sent letter to my babysitter, who provides full-time daycare for my daughter while I am at work. 

My first witness was my boss. She has been my employer for four years and can attest to the fact that I hold down a steady job, am responsible, and am always looking out for my daughter. She can also attest that any time Jellybean has had a doctor appointment or has been sick, I have been the parent to call off work to take care of her.

My second witness was a woman that I babysit for. I have babysat her five children for the past two to three years. She has known me to be reliable and trusts me to take care of her children. She can attest that any time I have babysat for her since the birth of my daughter, I have had to bring her with me because her dad would not watch her. Even during overnight stays.

My third witness is my neighbor. She and her family have been our friends/neighbors since we moved into the area two years ago. She was more so W.'s friend in the beginning, as he got to know everyone in the neighborhood better than I did. W. has even spoken with her a little bit about the abuse he received from his parents as a child. After our daughter was born and as time went on, she was there to witness W.'s lack of interest in Jellybean, the late nights out, and the purposely not coming home until her bedtime.

My fourth and final witness is a good friend of mine. She has been my friend for the past two or three years and was one of the few people with whom I shared my problems through a difficult time. She can attest to the fact that, even when W. and I were together, Jellybean came with my everywhere because he would not stay home with her.

I noticed that my witnesses and the guardian had played phone tag for a few days before they were finally able to speak.  There came a moment when I began to worry that she wasn't going to gather all of the necessary information from them.  But she followed through and made sure to speak in depth with each of them.  She asked questions regarding what qualities they admire about me, what they think makes me a good custodial parent, my interaction with Jellybean, any known interaction between W. and Jellybean, how Jellybean is progressing for her age, any behavioral issues they have noticed and if they think the separation has affected Jellybean in any way. 

My babysitter also had the opportunity to speak with the guardian ad litem.  The questions that the guardian asked Babysitter were more directly related to Jellybean and her well being.  She made sure that Jellybean has been hitting her developmental marks for her age, that she is healthy, eats well and is well taken care of.  Also, to assure that Jellybean is healthy and well taken care of, the guardian was sure to speak with Jellybean's primary physician, something you should also be prepared for.

A great deal of your guardian's recommendation will depend on third-party statements, so the answers given by these witnesses are more valuable than the diamond ring you used to wear.

SEE ALSO:
Introduction to How To Impress The Guardian Ad Litem
Part I: The Initial Meeting
Part II: Preparing For The Home Inspection
Part III: The Home Inspection & Parent/Child Interaction

UPDATE:
Part V: Drug Testing
Part VI: Do What The Guardian Tells You

How To Impress The Guardian Ad Litem Part III: The Home Inspection & Parent/Child Interaction

In order to compose a full report, the guardian ad litem needs to inspect each home and also see how the child interacts with each parent.  The guardian will typically speak with the child(ren) in confidence in order to see his/her perspective on parents and living arrangements.  Our case is different for two reasons: 1) Jellybean can barely string two words together, let alone form sentences.  Interviewing her would be, well, pointless; and 2) W. only sees Jellybean through supervised visitation at Safe House, so the guardian cannot witness their interaction at his home.

So on the Wednesday before Easter, the guardian visited W. and Jellybean at Safe House.  I am really, really, really glad the guardian picked that particular Wednesday to visit Safe House.  Being the Wednesday before Easter, every child left that building with an Easter basket from their non-custodial parent... except mine.  I hope that is something the guardian noticed.  Don't get me wrong--all three of our kids received Easter baskets from me and Ant, my parents, Ant's parents and even our babysitter.  There was certainly no shortage of Easter baskets this year.  It's just something that a supposed "dad" should do for his child.  Period.

The guardian will have to schedule another date to inspect wherever W.'s grungy ass is living these days.  She told me at our initial meeting that whether or not he has prepared for her possible overnight stays, for instance, by providing her a room or her own bed, will be a major deciding factor regarding unsupervised visitation and overnight stays.  Her point is that if he really wants Schedule A, he better have something ready for her if/when that happens.

She did, however, have the opportunity to visit my home on the Monday after Easter.  After hours of preparing for her inspection, I was confident and ready.  To my surprise, she didn't examine any single room in my house.  She didn't look in the kitchen to make sure that healthy snacks are available, or peek into the bathroom to be sure that there aren't cleaning products on a low shelf.  In fact, it appeared that there was no sort of evaluation at all.  I'm sure she noticed little things, like the cleanliness of our home, outlet covers in all sockets, etc.  All the same, I find myself feeling a bit bummed out that she didn't even so much as glance at the kitchen I scrubbed for hours.  Although she brought a pen and pad with her, she didn't write down a single thing.  Instead, she sat on the floor with me and Jellybean while we played with her dollhouse and read almost every Dr. Seuss book in the book shelf. 

I have to assume that her lack of interest in all of the things that I prepared for is due to the fact that no one is questioning my ability to take care of Jellybean.  No one has even so much as suggested that I am anything close to an unfit parent, so why would she waste her time with a detailed inspection of a home from which the child will not be removed?  Either that, or it was so clean upon first glance that she didn't even need to inspect the rest of the house--because, really, we went a little overkill on the cleaning.

All I can do now is wait.  I will not see the report from the guardian ad litem or even Safe House until we go back to court. I understand that this is how the system works, but I can't help but feel frusterated.  Sometimes I feel like, as her mother, I should be permitted to demand answers.  But, the guardian ad litem and the people at Safe House are the ones who are able to give Jellybean a voice and speak out for what is best for her--so it's probably a good idea to keep my mouth shut and avoid pissing off the people who are going to help our case.

I hope that these posts will help someone, whether you are following me as I go through this journey or whether Google leads you to this article two years down the road.  I feel like maybe I should add a disclaimer to tell everyone that I am no expert, just a regular mom trying to raise my daughter in the most stable situation possible.  And I hope that by sharing my thoughts and experiences I may shed some light on the situation for those of you who are going through something similar.  Or, at the very least, let you know that you are not alone.  No matter what time it is or where you are, somewhere out there is another frusterated and confused woman who just wants to do the right thing for her kids. 

SEE ALSO:
Introduction to How To Impress The Guardian Ad Litem
Part I: The Initial Meeting
Part II: Preparing For The Home Inspection

UPDATE:
Part IV: Consulting The Witnesses
Part V: Drug Testing
Part VI: Do What The Guardian Tells You